It is strange, even to me that I feel compelled to comment on the demise of Andrew G’s marriage to the mysterious Noa Tishby. Strange because I neither like nor dislike Andrew G, I couldn’t even be bothered looking up his last name which he prefers to “G” these days (Ginsberg?), and also because I still think of him as the long-haired guy from channel V’s what u want. He was on with a great girl called Paula I think. What ever happened to her?
Anyway, I am not judging Andrew’s relationship breakdown, I swear. Of course it’s possible that his marriage, and the Kardashian marriage, and the Ashton/Demi one, and the Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz one, and the Zooey Deschanel one, the Koby Bryant one, J-Lo’s, X-tina’s, Eva’s and all of Charlie’s marriages have been complicated pressure-cookers of passion that a simple suburban warrior like myself could never understand.
All of those people are very beautiful, and yet I’m the one who’s been married since 1996. Non stop! Well apart from that time I packed him off to a flea-bag motel with his x-box and a carton of beer because he was being a shit about IVF. I stayed home and painted the front fence, meditating with every brush-stroke on all of the obstacles we had faced over our years together and the methods we’d stumbled upon to overcome them. Eventually we found a path through that situation too.
Of course I know that our relationship may one day cease to work for one or both of us. I get that it happens for real sometimes, but I also think that a lot of couples miss out on a lot of great times by walking away from relationships the first time they fall out of love. Someone told me once that marriage was two people in a constant cycle of falling in and out of love with each other and I have definitely found that to be true. There have been times when I’ve hated my husband with everything in me, there have been times when we’ve lived like flat-mates discussing phone bills and petrol fill-ups, and little else. But in between those times, have been some times that can only be shared between two people who know each other in a very raw and, actually, unattractive way. Great times.
I just think that life can really bond two people if they let it. The ugliest bits of life can forge the strongest bonds. Having someone see and accept the ugliest parts of me is the most profound experience of my life, for sure, but I had to take that chance, and let him see it all, and it was scary. It took years of trust building, years of ups and downs but it’s been worth it.
I feel sorry for people too beautiful to share their ugly.
16 Comments
Check out my story Meshel. I was recently featured on BabyMacs blog. I wrote about my unusual situation. I married a man 38years older than me.
Cheers,
Amelia
I am so with you on this one. Marriage is a roller coaster – a really fucking massive one. And one I don’t want to get off (even the days I’d like to push my husband off)! At the end, I want to still be sitting there beside each other hand in hand.
Once again, well written and well put! I especially love your final sentence of “I feel sorry for people too beautiful to share their ugly”. Marriage is a rollercoaster full stop. If one doesn’t like descending on that marriage rollercoaster, don’t commit. Once again Meshel, another well written and put blog. Thanks for sharing :0)
Sing. It. Sister.
Marriage is the hardest thing ever. So much harder than being a parent.
You can’t help but love your kids. But loving your spouse all the time? Hell no!
Repeatedly choosing to stay in a so-so marriage is what turns a so-so marriage into a beautiful thing.
Thank you for your words of wisdom xo
Next month we wil have been married for 20 years. This piece is the best thing I’ve read about marriage ever. Thanks!!!!!
Thank you so much for this brilliant blog, you and your husband sound like a reality couple, two people who get that it’s about being a team, good and bad.
Meshel,
My mum has said very similar words to me on many occasions. I am not married and probably never will be but there are times I say to my mum – how the hell did you and dad ever fall in love or put up with him and my mum always puts very similar words on the table for me to ponder.
More often than not I walk off feeling super proud of them both for sticking at it in good times and bad!
Meshel, with great respect because I do love you, I would like you to consider the pain involved in many divorces. Perhaps difficult to understand by someone who hasn’t been there. Yes, marriage is hard, but so is divorce. Even harder when you are judged by people who wrongly assume you’ve given up easily. And if the case is we didn’t try as hard as you and aren’t as good as you for sticking it out, do you think your high horse is the most compassionate place to speak from?
Have to agree with Louisa. My husband and partner of ten years and I had what would be viewed by many outsiders looking in as a perfect relationship. We had the kind of relationship that you describe. But, like you said, relationships do just stop working sometimes.
It is the hardest decision I have ever had to make when I walked away from a man who loved me unconditionally. Despite it being my decision I am still grieving the loss of the relationship. Marriage seperation is truly, truly horrible and I cannot imagine anyone with any decency making the decision to walk away with ease. You feel as though you have let down not only yourself and your husband, but also your family and friends to supported you on your wedding day.
As mentioned by Louisa, I have been judged as having given up too easily by some, which makes the whole situation even harder. Most, fortunately, have been unexpectedly very understanding and supportive.
I’m not one of the beautiful people, I am just a normal, simple ’suburban warrior’ like yourself who found herself in a situation she no longer should be in, and somehow found the courage to get out of it. It has been a trying, stressful and emotional experience, and one that I couldn’t imagine anyone putting themselves through unless there was a very good reason.
I thank you for your insight Louisa. I hesitated over the “publish” button for a long time because I didn’t want anyone to think I was judging those who had divorced. I’m so sorry I upset you, but I did try to make it clear that I felt that some people, not all people, gave up too early.
Mxx
Thank you Kimmy. I appreciate your perspective. For better or for worse, I’m sure many people hang onto marriages a bit longer because they can’t face dealing with their family and friends.
Mxx
Meshel this is so timely for me. We are off to counselling together on Tuesday because we have lost some respect and love for each other and just don’t know how to work our way through it without outside help. We know we want to try. that’s what’s keeping us together. Cross fingers!
Sinead o’connor anyone?
I loved your post and totally agree with all the phases you have shared. Some times very much in love, other times a very mechanical existence and other times I swear to myself that I’m ready to give up. Our commitment to each other is strong though and in the sane times – in the clear light of day – I’d never give it up.. For me it’s not about the wedding, the ceremony witnessed by friends and family or the ring on the finger. But it definitely is about commitment. One day I hope to be able to get married to Justin when attitudes change, but until then we’ll press on. 10 years and counting!
Hi Meshel
I absolutely love how open and straight to the point you are. The way you speak of your husband your children and your animals cracks me up every time.
You inspire me that much I went on to call my beautiful Sharpei puppy Dahli after your daughter ( that is a compliment lol)
Even to the extent I am now copying you and going through IVF (actually more of a necessity then choice), I am 24 years of age and struggling massively with it. I also love that you packed your hubby off to a flea riddden motel as he was being a twit over it all. I too would love to do this at times as he is sooooo unappreciated of what I am dragging my body through due to his slow swimmers. grrrrr.
I know no one who has gone through this “journey” as they like to call it so in some ways I look up to you due to your success with this fertility junk
Regards
Michelle (spelt the boring way)
hi!!!